A Paradox of Convoluted Intention

Why doesn’t my life just work the way it’s supposed to? What am I doing wrong?!! How can I make life work for me? I wonder if I’m focusing hard enough or long enough. Maybe my focus is on what I don’t want rather than on what I want. Can my focus affect the outcome I’m hoping for in spite of my stated intentions? What if my stated intention isn’t my true intention? Would being more specific or determined help?

These kinds of questions and statements come from an unclear understanding of self in a bubble of limited awareness.

When my intentions repeatedly fail in disappointing outcomes, could I be unaware of what I’m intending? More importantly, why?

Perhaps there is more than one way to intend something. If so, Much can be explained for my sense of failure.

Paradox of Intentions

Let’s define two types of intention. Each is a projected metaphor of belief about self that appears to satisfy an internal need to reclaim who I think I’ve lost.

  1. Stated – A conscious plan to satisfy an internal need through external means.
  2. Unstated – A need seeking satisfaction.

Stated intentions can be exposed with “becauses…” Ex: stated intention, “I intend to get that job!” Unstated intention, “…because I need to be okay.”

This duality of intentions sets up a paradox of perception. I think I’m intending one thing while the result clearly demonstrates another intention is at work. Due to my lack of conscious self-awareness, many competing intentions convoluted probabilities of outcomes. So convoluted are my intentions that I cannot discern cause from effect – even when I THINK I can!

My Convoluted Intention

By denying my intention when I don’t like the outcome admits a belief in my powerlessness. Because I feel vulnerable, I get defensive. Defensiveness, in turn, affects my perception of outcomes, favoring those that confirm my belief! This confirmation adds to my sense of powerlessness and vulnerability – ramping up my defense as a result. This process results in a positive feedback loop in which any initial positive intention gets lost in ever-deepening denial.

For example, my friend says to me, “You hurt me when you…” Feeling vulnerable, I respond with denial, “That was not my intention to hurt you…” My denial confirms her blame and adds my defense to her hurt. All of which adds to my sense of rightness concerning my need to defend. I’ve increased the probability for a heated argument in which hurts grow while compassion and understanding play a decreasing role.

Taking accountability and admitting I was unaware of my intention, confirms my part in the outcome. It also lessens the sense of need for defense, opening my heart and mind to compassion and understanding. Thus, I retain my power and set up a situation in which I can adjust my stated intention to produce a different outcome.

For example, someone says something like, “You hurt my feelings.” This is feedback for me – when I hear it with my heart rather than with my ego. I check my defenses, take accountability for my creation, and accept my intention that resulted in this feedback. “I was unaware that I intended to hurt you. However, now that I am aware of my intention, what do you need?” This opens an internal dialog in which I may ask myself, “What do I need?”

After release of defensiveness, accountability connects stated and unstated, external and internal. Thus resolving the paradox.

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Intention and the Priority Game

I have so many intentions competing with one another! I could say the same for defenses, thoughts and actions. In my limited awareness world of duality, I always produce two intentions and attend to one. That is, for every intention I’m aware of, its counter balances duality.

Because I an aware of only one thought at a time, I’m usually aware of no more than one of my intentions. Although focused on one thought, there are myriad others contending for my attention. Just like intentions, my thoughts scream out for my attention, “Look at me! Look at me!” “No! Look at me! Look at me!”

Attention is the food of thought and intention. Thoughts or intentions to which I pay attention tend to grow and prosper. That doesn’t mean those I don’t pay attention to die. They just don’t grow as fast – and in some cases die away.

At least that’s how it appears to me. “Focus on your goals!” to achieve them, I’ve been told many times. And yet, sometimes, I find myself in the position of saying something like, “I didn’t intend to hurt your feelings.” In other words, an unconscious hidden intention surfaced and surprised me. Maybe forcing me to acknowledge it with my attention.

The Priority Game

There seems to be two main parts of my being:

  • Physical – the projection
  • Psyche – the projector

The projection is useful because the projector perceives it. I project every thought. Not all of them do I attend to. This because of my limited awareness – that comprehends the tiniest fraction of the myriad of thoughts I project.

To conserve energy and keep my story linear, attention focuses awareness from the myriad of intentions down to one at a time. Prioritizing intentions in this serialization helps me avoid overloading my circuits! It also keeps my story straight, which in turn, gives me a sense of rightness. I at least feel I’m okay when my story is linear. Thus, the value of a “good [serial] memory” that recalls events in their “proper” order. That proper order is the order that matches the singular direction of my linear story.

To that end, I must apply my attention first and foremost to defending my safety and benefit. My initial defense of that attention is my intention to feel safe. This intention to defend becomes the default behind my behaviors. This includes “on guard,” fight, and flight behaviors.

All this to prove to myself that I’m vulnerable to being less than whole – while intending to remain whole. This bias for wholeness in an environment of vulnerability can appear in some strange ways. For example, a person might survive an impossible situation and then feels they are somehow invulnerable to destruction. Maybe they feel they are a divine appointee – like a prophet. Maybe they feel a cause to which they must apply themselves.

Their attention to a life-threatening experience with defensive logic based in a premise of vulnerability tends to connect their biased intention for wholeness with its opposite.

Intention as Initial Defense

What if my intention is my initial defense of one concept over another? A part of the mechanism that turns all-at-once lateral thinking into one-at-a-time linear thinking. Why a defense against what I want – wholeness?

In linear-thinking, I can only define all-at-once wholeness in terms of one-at-a-time un-wholeness. In that way of thinking, there is always this sense that I must seek wholeness – rather than accept that I am wholeness.

To serialize my story, I assign intentions based on how much they confirm my concept of wholeness. This would require that I see myself as whole only in relation to someone or something else – a serialized comparison. In my relationships, therefore, I perceive others that support my limited thinking as whole (good/right). And those that don’t as unwhole (bad/wrong).

I define these intention assignments as accountability. Thus, equating my conscious intentions with subconscious accountability. I expect to get what I intend to get. And because the equation is false in limited awareness, I sometimes don’t get what I consciously intend. “Oops! Sorry! I didn’t intend that you should get hurt…” and etc.

Stewardship Over My Intentions

This takes me to the concept of stewardship – governance. Accountability provides that I have governance over my own physical and psychological being. Important, as these are the two main parts of my being. As the steward with power to govern my thoughts, I have the capacity to learn and change. As I learn how my equations affect my conscious intentions, I can practice governance over them. I can turn intention from initial defense to something else. That “something else” may just be the key to transforming limited to unlimited awareness.

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In Defense of the Secret

When something is secret, it’s hidden. How do I defend for or against what I’m unaware of?

In my bubble of limited awareness, I work at keeping a secret from myself, limiting my awareness. To remain in this trance, I hide a secret – substituting real with imagined data I choose to defend. Protected within my comfort zone fortress, I experience what I want rather than what is – even when I don’t like it. I didn’t say I was good at this!

What About the Secret?

What if I’m not seeking truth? Maybe it’s far too frightening, mind-boggling, and/or pointless for me to entertain. Instead, I want to experience a reality of my own making. Might that imagined “reality” require me to keep a bit of mystery, an unknown element, a secret? After all, if the secret were revealed, my fanciful reality might not be able to handle it.

Would secreting certain information out of my conscious reach allow me to hold onto beliefs that support my uncertain reality? With beliefs like lack, for example, I can entertain fantasies of competition. Through competition, I feel I can win back and compensate for what I’ve lost. When I become aware that any lack I experience is but a chosen perspective, I resolve the paradox, and the secret begins to reveal itself.

How Do I Defend the Secret?

In order to know the secret, I must trade all that I understand for it. To do this, I must question with full intent what I hide from myself. In this way, I willingly offer up my defense of overt rightness for covert understanding.

In order to do that, my will to understand must exceed my need to defend what I presently believe. I must get around my confirmation bias. To know the truth of something requires conscious thought. Knowing my propensity for blocking awareness of truth, I would want to challenge any concept I believe is true.

Thus, a single, well-defended secret prevents my limited mind from waking out of a hypnotic trance of my own making. I am good at this!

Why Do I Defend the Secret?

I like to think I have control of this world, able to make accurate predictions. This keeps me busy working to satisfy survival needs that distract me from knowing the secret. If revealed, the secret might end my fantasy, which might appear as death to me. This because the world I’ve worked so hard to build might be in jeopardy of oblivion. I’m not down for even the thought of that, so I defend myself from the secret – to the death!

I think I fear knowing in most situations more than I fear not knowing. Perhaps I defend the secret because my intention is to be unaware.

Who Defends the Secret?

With secrets, I create and sustain a persona of unawareness in which I experience a sense of me rather than me. I am who I imagine myself to be.

Even when experiences are hard to bear, I’d rather defend a known reality than to seek an unknown alternative. Thus, my limited awareness further limits my awareness.

Perhaps when the fundamental secret is revealed, I’ll discover that it is my intention to limit my awareness by defending the secret.

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Introducing Some Cognizance into My Manifestation Process

Defense permeates the process that directs my thoughts, feelings, and actions into manifestation. Because much of what I think, feel, and do in the bubble, happens below my threshold of cognizance, I am unaware of my defenses and their effects. I believe I’m doing the best I can and I work hard at being right.

Based on intention to understand, I’ve built a pretty solid case for this reality I believe and defend. With that level of proof in hand, I resist questioning it. Instead, I put perception of my reality on automatic with assumption. Ego, therefore, replaces observation and rational reasoning with assumption and bias.

The Frustration Loop

Unaware of the replacement, I travel along my imagined story-line cognizant only of threats to which I’ve applied a defense. As defense builds, fear grows to justify it, while cognizance narrows. In time, I build enough trust as a defensive wall around my hidden beliefs that I’m only aware of them as outcomes I cannot control. This, in turn, generates large amounts of emotional energy in the form of frustration.

Because I “just live” the reality without question, frustration builds with defense to the point that I risk unawareness of life itself. Struggles I feel because of that unawareness seem to come from outside my bubble. When I take responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, and actions, I sometimes catch the blame for negative outcomes. This causes me to want to defend even more. What can I do to escape this positive feedback loop of frustration?

Investigation into the source of my defense – my beliefs – may instill some cognizance into the manifestation program. Might that make a difference?

With a cognizance-evoking question, I can expose and then transform these hidden beliefs. After all, the job of the process is to manage my defense of what I believe, perceive, and know. Questioning can expose them to the light of awareness – leading to the possibility of a Third Degree of Awareness choice. The Aha Zone!

Introducing Cognizance with Awareness-Evoking Questions

What might happen when I introduce some cognizance into my process? That would mean questioning my ego assumptions and biases! Like:

  • Who do I believe and obey?
    • Who/what are my trusted authorities?
    • What is really true or false?
    • Is this true?!
  • Why do I believe and obey?
    • How is this true or false?
    • How far am I willing to go to prove I’m right?
      • Why do I trust my reasons?
    • Could I trust and obey someone else instead?
      • Why do I trust my reasons for trusting?
  • How do I put my belief into action?
    • What is my policy on this?
  • What is the outcome of my beliefs and obedience to them?
    • How else might I arrive at this same outcome?
    • What would someone have to believe in order to arrive at this outcome?
    • What does this outcome reveal about what I believe about me?
    • Could this outcome say something else about me than what I perceive in it?
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A Default Model of Personal Governance

Governance refers to how a system regulates itself. Through independent and collective direction I apply this to my personal governance. My personal governance is based on creating and defending what I choose to perceive.

The purpose of a personal governance system is to provide a means for managing my multi-verse experience. the division between the non-corporeal “I” and its physical, emotional, and mental expression.

Consequently, I experience personal governance as direction of separateness back into oneness. Although a paradox, the system may be a natural result of this reckoning.

A Natural Flow of Governance

In my bubble of limited awareness, I think of personal governance in terms of a top-down hierarchy. That is, the most powerful aspects of a system, sit atop an organized, pyramidal structure. It’s a power-distribution system in which higher levels exercise control over lower levels and lower levels must account to higher levels. The body and emotions obey the mind.

This because I live in a reality of governance in which I defend my perception in terms of for vs against. So to survive, I must compare what to defend against and for. Thus, the bubble of limited awareness governs my experience. This is the default model!

What is beyond default?

Until you question the default, there is no other awareness. Because I insist upon comparing and defending, perhaps I can use that facility to bring about a new awareness. What might a new paradigm of governance look like? I won’t know until I ask! So what kind of questions could I ask?

  1. What else could I be? What am I?
  2. How else could I be?  How am I?
  3. Why else could I be?  Why am I?
  4. Who else could I be?  Who am I?

What questions might you ask to change your default model of personal governance?

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