Due to my perception of ever-present danger inside the First and Second Degree Illumination bubble, I do whatever I can to control my life. I’m building what I believe is a safe representation of who I am in story form. My “documentary,” is a collection of memories, a string of emotional interpretations. Fear of not being right about my memories leads me to trust them when maybe I shouldn’t.
My story is actually a history of defense. I trust my memories to keep me feeling secure in the bubble.
What if I challenge my trust in my story? Would that challenge or invalidate my story? Would my story invalidate my life? How do I survive without a story I can justify? Do I need my memories to appear in chronological order to validate my belief in time?
Who’s in Charge Here?
Do memories validate who I am and affect how I interpret my present reality? Does my life story control who I think I am today? First, let’s consider a few misconceptions about memory:
- Human memory is like a video camera that accurately records information for later evaluation.
- Memories do not change once the experiences are embedded in memory.
- Each of us is the sum of our experiences, judgments, and past interpretations.
- The evidence of just one memory is adequate to validate one’s current judgment or condition.
Do I control memory through recall or interpretation? Does my anger, for example, control my interpretation of a recalled story? Does it modify the story to justify my current attitude?
That which you depend upon controls you. Who is in control when I depend upon the rightness of my story?
Even though it is my story, am I the author? If not my story, whose is it? I realize that many of my beliefs appear to have been influenced or “written” by others. Is it possible to defend the beliefs of others when what I defend isn’t mine? How have the beliefs of others affected my life story?
What if time doesn’t exist? What if there is only a now? In the infinite now, a sequential memory may instead be instantaneous. What if my interpreter, which exists in the now, makes up an illusive past to serve an agenda?